TECH SUPPORT

Dear Tech Support:

Last
year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Hockey 12.4, Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golf 3.6
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0
in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn’t
work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User.

___________________________________________________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many
people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual
under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0
and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
background application "Yes Dear 1.4" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal anyway. W ife 1.0 is a
great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes
with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5
and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag
Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of
Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1
and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the
operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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12 Responses to TECH SUPPORT

  1. Grootch says:

    Some real tech support advice, courtesy of your uncle Grootch:

    1) STOP using Internet explorer. Go download Firefox or Opera

    2) If your not computer savvy and can’t be bothered to learn, and you also have money to toss around, buy a Mac.

    3) If your not computer savvy and can’t be bothered to learn, and you *don’t* have money to throw around, it’s your own goddamn fault. Welcome to Virus/Spyware city! Get a USB memory stick and store your important data there, because you’ll be reinstalling Windows from time to time.

    4) Don’t like the consequences of # 3? Then keep reading and learn something. Or go back to watching Bill O’reilly spew shit on the idiot box, I don’t care. This is a one time deal. Shit or get off the pot.

    5) A computer virus is called a virus because it behaves like one, not because it’s transmitted like one. Virus’ do not magically appear on your computer. YOU have to put them there by EXECUTING something. Here is a list of file extensions that are executable. Print this list out, laminate it and glue it to your goddamn monitor.

    ADE – Microsoft Access Project Extension
    ADP – Microsoft Access Project
    BAS – Visual Basic Class Module
    BAT – Batch File
    CHM – Compiled HTML Help File
    CMD – Windows NT Command Script
    COM – MS-DOS Application
    CPL – Control Panel Extension
    CRT – Security Certificate
    DLL – Dynamic Link Library
    DO* – Word Documents and Templates
    EXE – Application
    HLP – Windows Help File
    HTA – HTML Applications
    INF – Setup Information File
    INS – Internet Communication Settings
    ISP – Internet Communication Settings
    JS – JScript File
    JSE – JScript Encoded Script File
    LNK – Shortcut
    MDB – Microsoft Access Application
    MDE – Microsoft Access MDE Database
    MSC – Microsoft Common Console Document
    MSI – Windows Installer Package
    MSP – Windows Installer Patch
    MST – Visual Test Source File
    OCX – ActiveX Objects
    PCD – Photo CD Image
    PIF – Shortcut to MS-DOS Program
    POT – PowerPoint Templates
    PPT – PowerPoint Files
    REG – Registration Entries
    SCR – Screen Saver
    SCT – Windows Script Component
    SHB – Document Shortcut File
    SHS – Shell Scrap Object
    SYS – System Config/Driver
    URL – Internet Shortcut (Uniform Resource Locator)
    VB – VBScript File
    VBE – VBScript Encoded Script File
    VBS – VBScript Script File
    WSC – Windows Script Component
    WSF – Windows Script File
    WSH – Windows Scripting Host Settings File
    XL* – Excel Files and Templates

    (Some of these files simply open a browser window, but your safe now because your not using fucking Internet Explorer because of rule # 1, remember?)

    If you received a file unsolicited from someone you don’t know, then it can’t be that fucking important, can it? Delete it. It’s probably a virus. Otherwise, most virus scanners have a right-click to scan option. SAVE the file to your desktop (don’t just double-click and run it) and then right-click to scan it.

    6) If your using Windows XP and multiple people in your house use the computer, create accounts for each of them and give them LIMITED access. This is easy to do. Go to Start –> control panel –> User accounts. Put a PASSWORD on your account, and mark it as “adminstrator.” Create accounts for the other users in your household and set the account type to LIMITED. This effectively kills their ability to install programs (and therefore most virus’) without YOUR approval and YOUR administrator password.

    7) Even if you only have 1 computer in your house, go to Best Buy and buy a cheap router. Software firewalls, such as the built in Windows firewall, are crap. All routers have firewalls built into the hardware. This is the way to go.

    8) Finally, remember that the internet is largely unregulated; sort of a modern day wild west. Learn to protect yourself from republicans *cough* I mean greedy assholes trying to trick you into giving them money!

    – Nobody wants to give you anything FREE on the internet. If you see a link stating you’ve won something, it’s bullshit.

    – Phishing is becoming a huge problem on the internet. Learning URL structure could save your credit rating! For instance, let’s say you’ve logged into your bank website or your internet e-mail site, for instance: http://www.wellsfargo.com

    If you’re suddenly asked to login to the site AGAIN, and you have NOT closed your browser window accidentally, you might be getting phished. CHECK THE URL in the browser, either at the top (where you normally enter it) or at the bottom left in the status bar!! If you see:

    http://www.wellsfargo.buttplug.org < --- your getting phished. wellsfargo is a .com address, and must appear this way in the browser.

    http://www.login.wellsfargo.com < --- correct. wellsfargo appears next to .com, so this is valid.

    http://www.login.wellsfargo.sucker.com < --- invalid! wellsfargo MUST appear next to .com in order to be valid.

    http://www.login.welsfargo.com <— incorrect! wellsfargo has 2 Ls!!!

    Sneaky shit, I know. Gotta be careful out there.

    Happy motoring, folks.

  2. Charlie B says:

    Okay, I’m now using Firefox on my home computer. However I won’t be using it on my 10 year old laptop that I inherited and use at work to pass the time. I tried to install it on that one when I first got it and it wouldn’t take. I’m guessing because it’s running windows 98 first edition. I’m not to concerned though because it was free, it is old and a piece of crap that I’m surprised even boots up.

  3. Grootch says:

    Try Opera. It’s far more lightweight than Firefox.

  4. Charlie B says:

    Ah so this opera is working rather smoothly on this old laptop. Thanks for the tips.

  5. andy g says:

    Grootch, your timely updates are always handy. Thanks.

    Troubled User: Wait until Kid 1.0, 2.0, and any other subsequent issues come out…it will totally screw wife 1.0 up and render it almost useless as an operating platform. Its behavior will become more erratic. Far more programs will become affected as a result as the basic breakdown of the efficiency of Wife 1.0 and your basic OS. trying to go to Wife 2.0 or any other ideas wench 1.0 or Barmaid 3.0 just tend to mess shit up worse and have the potential of costing much more than they are worth. Learn to play Yahtzee and work extended hours. Your problem, sadly, is a common one. There is no known cure for this transition or understood cause to men using these systems. It is, however, more widespread than a common phenomenon hence its upgrade to syndrome. Once the Wife 1.0 OS hits this state, they virtually render the upgraded OS Marraige 1.0 to a nonfunctioning loop. The endless loop of nothing is tantamount to being trapped in a windowless van with no heat, in the winter, down by the river….enjoy.

  6. Anal retentive jackass says:

    you + are = you’re, not your.

  7. td says:

    grootch: What do you think of Safari?

  8. td says:

    I forgot to ask how these browsers can be offered for free.

  9. Grootch says:

    I don’t like Safari because its a shitty port (read: it was originally written for Apple’s OSX and then some parts were re-coded and recompiled to work under Windows, i.e., it was “ported”). It uses the same nasty, resource hogging interface that iTunes does. Since it was ported, it is slower to render complex web pages and uses more memory than other browsers that are actually geared for Windows.

    But hey… if you have 2 gigs of RAM in your PC and just can’t get enough of iTunes, by all means…

    td:

    There are varying reasons why each browser is free:

    Internet Explorer: IE is free for two reasons: a) Microsoft has integrated it into Windows, and b) they want you to use it really, really bad so they can corner the browser market and THEN start charging you to use it.

    Firefox: Firefox is open source, so it is free and will remain free forever. Some of you will remember “Netscape.” I loved Netscape. In fact, I held onto Netscape 4.7 as long as I possibly could. Alas. It was bought out by Time Warner/AOL. When AOL open-sourced Netscape to compete with IE, Firebird was created. Firebird was the browser-only portion of Netscape (Netscape is a whole internet suite of applications, not just a web browser) that later became Firefox.

    Opera: Opera is the most technically advanced browser out there, and also the most resource efficient. I use Opera as my main browser at home. It’s free because the mobile version of Opera (for cell phones, blackberry, smart devices, etc) makes money on the embedded market, which allows them to make the PC version free. It used to be $29 up until a few years ago.

  10. td says:

    Grootch:

    Thanks. I am still a little confused with choosing between opera and firefox. How does one know what one is better for them? I did search some reviews and there are a lot of great reviews for either, but no one is saying why one should be chosen over the other.

  11. Grootch says:

    td:

    I’d just suggested downloading and trying both, since their both free. Firefox tends to be a bit resource heavy, but the interface is clean and simple, and installing widgets is very easy. Here is a screenshot from my desktop:

    http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll229/legionxts/?action=view&current=1f.jpg

    You can see I’ve got multiple tabs open, a weather widget on the top right and a widget on the bottom right that controls my mp3 player, and the whole thing is skinned in red.

    http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll229/legionxts/?action=view&current=1o.jpg

    Here you can see Opera with the forecast widget open and the windows task manager up. Notice that Firefox is consuming almost double the memory as Opera. Opera has some cool features that Firefox doesn’t, such as speed dial. Here is a link:

    http://www.opera.com/products/desktop/features/#featurelist

    I’d suggest Opera if you have an older PC like Charlie B. If you have a fairly modern machine, then it’s simply a matter of preference.

  12. Grootch, testing image code says:

    Don’t mind me, I’m just futzing around…

    [IMG]http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll229/legionxts/1f.jpg[/IMG]

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